Two Ears and One Mouth: Use Accordingly

"Listen to the whispers and you won't have to hear the screams."

Cherokee proverb

Starting a new role? You may be tempted to jump in and provide solutions immediately to prove your value, but you might be shooting yourself in the foot with this behavior. There is nothing wrong with being active. Just be an active listener.

There are five key elements of active listening, helping you ensure that you hear the other person, and that the other person knows you are hearing what they are saying.

1.  Pay attention.
Give the speaker your undivided attention and acknowledge the message.

• Look at the speaker directly.
• Put aside distracting thoughts. Don’t mentally prepare a response.
• Avoid being distracted by environmental factors.
• “Listen” to the speaker’s body language. Recognize that what is not said also speaks loudly.
• Refrain from side conversations when listening in a group setting.
  

2.  Show that you are listening.
Use your own body language and gestures to convey your attention.

• Nod occasionally. Smile and use other facial expressions. Just make sure you are natural.
• Note your posture and make sure it is open and inviting.
• Encourage the speaker to continue with small verbal comments (try 'yes' or 'okay').

3.  Provide feedback.
Our personal filters, assumptions, judgments and beliefs can distort what we hear. As a listener, your role is to understand what is being said. This may require you to reflect what is being said and ask questions.

• Reflect what has been said by paraphrasing. “What I’m hearing is…” and “Sounds like you are saying…” are great ways to reflect back.
• Ask questions to clarify certain points. “What do you mean when you say…” “Is this what you mean?”
• Summarize the speaker’s comments periodically.

4.  Defer judgment.
Interrupting is a waste of time. It frustrates the speaker and limits full understanding of the message.

• Allow the speaker to finish.
• Don’t interrupt with counter-arguments.

5.  Respond Appropriately.
Active listening is a model for respect and understanding. You are gaining information and perspective. You add nothing by attacking the speaker or otherwise putting him or her down.

• Be candid, open and honest in your response.
• Assert your opinions respectfully.
• Treat the other person as s/he would want to be treated.

Wishing Kory and Jill, two of my colleagues and friends, the best of luck and continued success in their newly expanded roles.

Adapted from Mind Tools.