On a recent trip to London, I hopped in a taxi for an hour-long ride from Heathrow to my hotel. After I informed the driver of my destination, he turned back and said, "You have an American accent. Are you American?"
"Yes," I responded, thinking that I really have a 'southern American' accent.
He then made a pretty bold generalization about the culture I came from.
It was raining. I was a bit tired. I weighed my willingness to engage in a conversation. As I considered ignoring the comment I thought, "I should be able to do this. I should be able to talk to someone with a strong opinion even if I don't fully agree."
As this challenge took shape in my mind, I found myself more interested in a dialogue. I had no intention of trying to change his mind, but I thought, "Here's a guy who wants to be heard. And if there's hope for the world it's only if people like him and me can disagree in a respectful way." With this moral mission in mind, I responded.
"Not too worried about your tip, I take it?" I bantered and smiled at his eyes in the mirror.
He broke into a broad grin, then continued, saying that he loved Americans. Again, though, he reiterated some strong generalizations.
His voice got louder and his face redder the more he spoke. I began to wonder if I should just nod and smile or if I should really engage. I returned to my conviction that we can find peaceful ways of disagreeing. At one point in what turned into a five-minute monologue, I patted the back of his seat to interrupt him.
"Hey, my friend. May I ask you a question?"
He looked into the rear view mirror and paused. "Sure. This is your taxi at the moment."
"You know, I am from the United States and don't get as much contact as I'd like with people who have a whole different experience than I do. I am interested in hearing your views. And I may agree with some of them but disagree with others. Are you interested in mine, too, or should I just hear you out?"
"Oh, no," he practically crooned. "I want a debate!"
"Okay, then how about this. You take the first five minutes and then I get the next five. At the end, I don't care if we both agree on everything or not, but I'm guessing we might both be a little smarter. How is that?"
He laughed heartily, turned to face me full on and said, "That is a deal."
I don't know that my taxi-driver friend ended up seeing the world any differently when we were done with that ride, but I did. Not that my opinions were profoundly altered, but they were tested in a way I was grateful for. Most importantly, I was encouraged to discover that dialogue was possible with someone who held strong views and who seemed initially uninterested in anything but a monologue.
Action
This is what I've found to be helpful in such a controversial conversation. And be prepared: during organizational change, you can expect many such conversations.
1. Talk about how you'll talk. If you're having a one-sided conversation but would like a dialogue, and it's not going that way, stop the conversation and come to agreement about ground rules. You can do this in a respectful way by letting the person know you are interested in their views and want to continue the conversation. Then ask for time boundaries, or lower volume, or whatever (less pen tapping, eye-rolling) will help you engage in a healthier way.
2. Check your motives. Be sure your interest in the conversation is sincere. If you just want a chance to demonstrate the perfection of your own opinions, expect the same from the other person. Fair is fair. But if you want dialogue, be sure you are open to new information or perspectives. If you are sincerely interested in getting smarter not just looking smart, you'll behave in ways that will invite the same from the other person.
3. Encourage disagreement. We've learned a startling truth about dialogue. People are okay with you expressing even strongly held views so long as you are equally genuine in your invitation of their disagreement. Before sharing your opinions, make a statement like, "You know, I've got a strong opinion on this. I've thought a great deal about it and read pretty widely, and I'd like to tell you my point of view. Then, at the end, if you see holes in it, or if you have new information I don't have, I hope you'll challenge me with it. I want to learn from your view in any way I can." This sincere invitation takes the fighting wind out of others' sails. They realize they don't have to beat you over the head with their opinions because you're asking for them!
4. Never miss a chance to agree. Finally, don't go for efficiency. When we agree on 50 percent of a topic and disagree on 50 percent we tend to move quickly to the disagreements because those are what interest us most. And besides, life is short, so why not start with the fight, right? Wrong. If you want worthwhile dialogue, take the time to listen for points on which you agree. Point them out. Confirm them. Then—and only then—move to the areas of disagreement. When you do this you reaffirm that your goal is not to win, it's to learn.
I hope these ideas are useful to you as you engage with others. Developing mutual purpose and mutual respect can happen one conversation at a time.
adapted from Crucial Conversations: Tools For Talking When Stakes Are High
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